apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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