soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
