If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Randomize
