are you still at the devil's house?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
