checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
