So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
