I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
