Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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