Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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