Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
