Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
