addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
