I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
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