Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
