Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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