im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
