I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
