i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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