i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
