Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
