The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
