I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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