i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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