Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize