I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
