trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
