I have demons in me.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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