The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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