Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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