I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Girls should come with a carfax report
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
