I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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