It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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