She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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