She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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