my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
