Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
