If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
