He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
