Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I could fuck to npr.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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