So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
