My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
