I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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