New invention idea: vibrating tampons
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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