I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
