The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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