Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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