dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
