she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A bitchslap is in order.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
