haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
