I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
