My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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