you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
