Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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